Barn Owl Bill

ummm… actually not so sure about this one

Prohibition Wowsers from the 1930s

Trying to change the world for the better are you?

Think that booze is the devil’s dishwater do you?

How wrong you are! Vanya was actually born in a vat of Vodka so pure that moonlight wouldn’t enter its mystical embraces

Without booze Vanya would never have climbed to the vertigo-enducing heights he’s at today

Get back in your boxes (casks) and get loose in honour of the once and future king!

Jean Claude Van Damme

High pants and awesome dance moves might get you outta tight spots in the sleazy back bars of South East Asia, and dropping into the splits might win you a night with a Thai lady-boy or two, but none of it is gunna mean didly-Damme when you’re faced with Vanya. You might be the Muscles from Brussels, Van Man, but Vanya is the Crusher from Russia, and you just made the Wrong bet!

Splinter

Old as f*ck and riddled with quite possibly every disease known to man, The Splinter is no vermin to be messed with. Oh yeah, and also he’s a ninja!

What’s that Vanya? You eat mutant ninja rats for breakfast with Chorizo sausage and blood pudding? You sick bastard!

Boatpeople

They travel in packs and have no regard for international boundaries, but they haven’t figured on the ultimate border protection – Vanya. That’s right, Boaties: you’re about to find yourselves in deep water. Christmas Island and the Pacific Solution can no longer take you, but Vanya can. Consider yourselves processed!

Brendan Fevola

Nobody else will take him….but Vanya could!

Patrick Swayze

Nobody puts baby in the ground

Vanya could easily kick seven shades of – what? Really? When did he…?

Oh.

Um… well… this is awkward.

Jaws

Get ready to smile for the last time, Tin Grin. You might be bad ass enough to make an appearance in two James Bond films, but you’re not gunna survive two nano-seconds against Vanya. Set your clock for tooth hurty, Metal Mouth. Vanya’s about to write some cheques your mouth can’t cash.

Frisbees

Not all of you will be old enough to remember the 80s, but back in the day the third most lethal weapon around was the frisbee

Any frisbee that catches a glimpse of our formidable hero would quickly change direction in the face of such manly perfection

Lando Calrissian

Some say you have your head in the clouds, Calrissian. I say you’re hiding in your floating city up there in the sky coz you know down here on terra firma Vanya is waiting to bash you with his Death Star-sized fists. And you better believe that there ain’t enough fancy capes in all the galactic Empire for you to hide under.

(P.S. fashion a long time ago in a galaxy far far away was totally bad ass. Good work.)