Grind cities to a halt, will you? Disrupt the mercantile flow, can you? Drop a riot-cop at 20 paces with your unwashed pits, would you? Yeah Occupiers, I guess you’ve sat in, lay-down and stood-up to Wall St and all the other wealth-hoarding corporate elite that have trough-fed the world into economic apoplexy. Stuck it to the man real good. Must be feeling pretty chipper with yourselves.
Well, I wonder how you’ll all be feeling when Vanya occupies your faces with his fist. 99% of the world’s fury is owned by just 1% of Vanya’s biceps. That adds up to a disproportionate allocation of Russian destruction. Bear market? That’s where Vanya shops for wrestling partners. Protest all you want, hippies. By the time Vanya unleashes some corporate raiding on your asses the only thing you’ll be occupying is a cemetery.
sssssshhhhhh – the drones are coming. Hovering somewhere in the Pakistani skies; sneaking around just out of sight and dropping death from above; operated by some junk food-eating flat foot, too myopic or obese for get a real wartime call up. They have a word for planes like you. It’s drone. But it’s also chicken shit. Well, the days of your skulking around and hiding behind clouds have come and gone. Vanya is here to ground you – into the dirt.
Silent but deadly? Vanya drops those after every decent meal. Safe from radar detection? You better start getting safe from giant fist detection. Buckle up, drones. There’s heavy Vanya turbulence ahead.
Well, well, well. Looks who’s the most popular kid on the block. Half billion friends. Tick. Photosharing. Tick. The best stalking tool since bushes started growing outside young girls’ windows. Tick and tick. Well get ready to henceforth be known only as Book, coz Vanya is about to tear your face off.
That’s right, Social Network, things are about to get very de-friendly. Vanya doesn’t count ‘likes’; his currency is ‘hates’ and ‘pains’ and ‘pulverizings’. He doesn’t sign people up for Farmville; he deports them to Gulagville. And he doesn’t enrich Zuckerbergs; he crushes icebergs. Facebook, deletion is imminent.
Hey Earth Hour, get ready to have your lights punched out.
Vanya can’t pillage in the dark.
OK Yasi, we get it. With all your 300km winds and your storm surges and your roof top-tearing fury, you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. Right now you’re the biggest thing on the meteorlogical radar, but there’s one natural disaster that makes you look like a day under the backyard sprinkler. Vanya.
Buckle up, Storm Boy- you’re about to have the eye of your storm blackened. By the time Vanya’s through with you the only silver lining your clouds are gunna see is on the inside of their coffins. Enjoy your moment on breakfast TV; Vanya’s destructive force is about to make land fall. On your ass.
So I guess you think you’re pretty brave, don’t you? Street marches, civil disobedience, hookah pipes. Got your dictator shaking in his sand-filled boots, don’t ya. Tut Tut Tut. You’re in de-nile. But you’re about to get straightened out. There’s one overlord that all the banner-waving in the world won’t dislogde: Vanya
That’s right up-risers, life’s about to get real un-pharos. One swing of Vanya’s Sphinx sized fists are gunna make your little gathering look like a second rate pyramid scheme. Ra was your ancient Sun God, but get ready to meet your new Pulverizing God. Vanya, The Dessert Strom.
Hey Fatties, guess you reckon you’re pretty tough with your Current Affairs investigstions and your Body Fat Indexes and your influence over the fast food advertising regulations. Well there’s one place where your blubbery talents wear thin: the world of Vanya’s fist.
Get ready for a serious quarter pounding, balloon arse. It’s gunna be a whole lot harder to choke down a bucket o KFC and 15 Jiffy Donuts without any teeth in your swollen head. Big boned? You’re about to be owned. Your Super-Sized Vanya Pain Deal is ready.